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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Too long

It's been too long since I wrote here. And truth be told it's not good for me not to write (so it turns out).  I stopped writing because life got personal and I couldn't see past that. But then, life is personal isn't it? And of course you don't all have to read about it if you don't want..... but maybe i do need to write sometimes.

Anyway there is no point going over the last year as there is way too much to talk about.  Mum and Dad are now in a wonderful little residential care home in Guildford. And slowly... very, very slowly, i am beginning to get some form of a hold on our new lives.  Such a massive and sudden illness has had such an effect on us all and it takes a long while (and a bit of counselling, apparently!) to come to terms with the changes and implications for all of us.  Learning to support each other in different ways to anything that has gone before. Learning to deal with disability and the complications that throws up (people's ideas of having disabled access vary wildly!) Changes in relationships. Changes in our own needs, which, certainly for me, have surprised me.  I thought i was coping, but I wasn't. I was just treading water whilst i needed to. And as soon as I no longer needed to, i began to drown.

That's all behind me now. I am stronger (on some days) and more aware of the days i'm not.  Sometimes it is still too much and it hurts so bad. Not just because Mum got ill - that happens to millions (maybe billions?) of families every day. But it hurts because I wanted to look after them, and couldn't. It's taken me a long time to accept that it's ok that I couldn't. And maybe that's where writing what actually happened day on day might have helped. To have read back and realised what i was trying to achieve might have made it easier to accept that it would have been pretty impossible for any one person. But I didn't write - on some days I probably barely spoke!

So, anyway. Here i am! Mum and Dad have been in their new forever home for a year and a fortnight! and it feels like it's time for me to get back to doing those things that make me feel normal. (whatever normal is! LOL)

Miss Spot is still with me - although older and slower and with many old lady lumps and bumps. But can still hear her dinner biscuits being poured at a 20 yd radius!  We don't walk as much as we used to, so we've both got a bit old and fat! But now the temperature is easing off a bit, walking for an old lady is a more acceptable past time.

I'm still knitting and crocheting (no shock there really) and occasionally sewing too.

So, let's see what happens. I hope i will write here often again. It feels like a strange and hard thing to do at the moment. But writing is quite cathartic, and it's good to document the good things i get up to, so the crap doesn't overwhelm. It's very easy to slip on to self pity, and from there - certainly for me, it's hard to get back up off the floor again.

T'il soon 

3 comments:

  1. Love you to the stars and back! Xx

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  2. Love you to the stars and back! Xx

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  3. Lots of love Claire, glad that you are getting to do the things that make you you! Writing is cathartic, I need to do it more often, slip into ways of not doing anything, which is not a good slide. Normal is a very strange concept...no idea what normal is, but it is nice to start doing things that you enjoy once again. xxxxxxxxxxx

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